happybirthday

This past week we celebrated … cake, ice cream, presents hidden inside bags overflowing with bright tissue paper. It was our foster son’s 2nd birthday and we delighted in singing the birthday song with him all week long.

Lil’ Man was mostly confused by all the birthday commotion. The morning of his birthday, I tried to put pin a little birthday ribbon on his shirt so that the rest of the world would know it was his birthday, too. He promptly ripped it off. I attempted to reattach the ribbon several more times, only to get the same result. In the end, I was just glad he didn’t tear up his shirt.

Later in the day, I baked a simple cake and put a couple of matchbox cars on the top along with his #2 candle. As soon as he saw the cake on the counter, he demanded that I give him the cars. When I refused, he threw a royal tantrum.

And after dinner, when we lit the candle and sang the birthday song with lots of gusto, our favorite toddler looked around at us with this expression that seemed to say, “You people have lost your minds! Just cut the cake and let’s eat!”

Even the presents seemed to cause Lil’ Man some confusion. We gave him the first gift and he sat there looking at us, unsure of what he should do next. Even after we showed him how to tear the paper, he seemed a bit unsure about ripping something up. I suppose we have made it clear that most things are not meant to be torn apart! Thankfully, once the gifts were revealed, our sweet boy was elated with them … so much so that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to play with the toys or eat his cake and ice cream.

 He ended up choosing cake over playing. What a smart boy!

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I’ve always enjoyed birthdays, whether it was my own or someone’s that I love. Even before I became a mother, I enjoyed birthday parties for little people. Once I had children of my own, nothing brought me more pleasure than to plan a party, mostly simple ones but some more elaborate.

In fact, I loved birthday celebrations so much that in years gone by I used to even allow celebrations of halfie-birthdays, complete with half a cake, Blue Bell ice cream in half chocolate and half vanilla, and a special rendition of the Halfie Birthday song (sung to the same tune as the regular birthday song, the only difference being that  each “happy”  is replaced with the word “halfie.”

However, now that I have seven children, it’s much too complicated to try to keep up with regular birthdays and halfie-birthdays. So, for simplification purposes, I had put that tradition to rest. It has been two years since I made that decision, and I’m not sure all of my children have forgiven me yet.

Of all the reasons I love having a big family, perhaps my favorite is getting to celebrate birthdays more often. Nine times each year we get to sing the birthday song and eat cake and ice cream after dinner. In fact, in the month of November alone, our family celebrates three birthdays! I already mentioned Lil’ Man’s birthday this past week. Our foster daughter will be turning one the day before Thanksgiving and our son Nathan will celebrate his 13th birthday on Thanksgiving Day.

 Can you imagine the sugar rush of eating birthday cake and pumpkin pie on the same day … oh my!

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Today is my dad’s birthday. Well, it would have been his birthday today. I think, if I have done the math correctly, he would have turned 67 years old.

Sometimes, after a loved one has passed on, people will (in an effort to comfort you) say something like, “Just think .. this year they are having the best birthday celebration up in heaven!”

While it’s a nice thought … honestly, I’m just not sure about the accuracy of that at all.

I don’t think my dad is in heaven celebrating in some private party with Jesus or even blowing out candles on some sort of heavenly cake as departed loved ones stand around and watch. And I certainly don’t think he has even once contemplated how those of us still on earth are remembering him today.

 In fact, I don’t suppose birthdays matter all that much up in heaven anyway.

Seeing as we will be completely focused on worshipping God, I don’t see how anyone’s birthday (our own included) will even enter into our thoughts. (Well, maybe we will think about Jesus’ birthday. That might be appropriate … besides, wouldn’t it be wonderful if we got to celebrate that in heaven? Talk about a party to remember!)

But right now, I’m not in heaven. I’m here on planet earth … where birthdays do matter, and for the most part people who live in my culture choose to celebrate birthdays with cake and ice cream, parties and presents.

All day I have thought about my dad, missing him so much that tears have fallen several times. It saddens me that I can’t be with him on his special day, buy him a silly card, or wrap up some tiny trinket of a gift. And it’s not just this year that my kids can’t call him and sing the birthday song, as they listen to his laughter in the background. Never again will I be able to enjoy a piece of cake with him, or tell him how much he blessed me.

It’s been a hard day. Truthfully, most days during the past two months have been hard. I suppose that was to be expected. Grief isn’t an easy or quick process, and as these holidays approach I know deep down there are going to be many more hard days yet to come before the tears don’t fall as easily and the sting of the pain begins to ebb away.

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My blog has been quiet these past two months. Part of that was just busyness. I’ve been adjusting to adding those two sweet foster babies to my home, adjusting to sleepless nights again. I had forgotten so much about little ones. Everything seems to take longer these days. I haven’t had nearly as much time to sit and write.

But more than that, I didn’t want my blog to become a grief blog. And yet, this is where I am in life at this time. It’s a season of grief. Just like the fall leaves are beginning to color the landscape of Cajun Country, the dull gray of grief seems to cloud over all my days, both the good and the bad. So like the black armbands worn a hundred years ago or more, I shut down my blog and entered into a time of mourning.

Over the past week, as I’ve celebrated the first birthday since my dad died on my 42nd birthday, I’ve thought over and over that the time to end my silence was over. My grief isn’t over. Far from it! But my heart is ready to process and share, and the only way I’ve ever known to do that is to write it all down.

Before my foster babies came to live in my home and before my dad died, I had a goal of publishing blog posts 3 times a week. I doubt I can make that happen with my current schedule. So I am setting a new goal of one new blog post a week, and more as God lays them on my heart and gives me time to write.

Meanwhile, please know I have missed my writing and blogging community so very much. I am eager to try to catch up, and I am thankful for the promises of God who has said He will be near to the brokenhearted (Ps. 34:18) and will turn my mourning into dancing (Ps. 30:11)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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11 thoughts on “Birthdays on earth

  1. Loved your “tales,” and, as always, the stories of your life…because I love hearing from and about my dear, dear friend!!! More talks later…
    In Houston this week being “Florence Nightingale” for my very ill twin brother. He lost his wife-caregiver last year on this date to cancer and it looks like his fight with the disease is nearing its end-game!! He needs prayers for health spiritually and physically. The chemo is devastatingly affecting his body!!

    1. Catherine, I don’t know what is harder … to lose someone you love unexpectedly or to watch them suffer and die slowly. I am praying for your brother and his salvation. I pray he will be like the thief on the cross who recognized his need for a savior even as he took his last breaths. And I am praying for you as you care for and comfort your brother. Much love to you today! ~Paige

  2. I have missed you and your writing, dear Paige. I hope soon The Lord will bring your heart back to full joy. I have wondered if Paige was going to reappear. I’m glad to hear a progress report Lord bless you!!! 🙂

    1. You can’t know how much it means to me that I’ve been missed and thought about during these past few weeks. I have really missed all the daily doses of your encouragement. I couldn’t wait to get up this morning and see what God would reveal to me through your blog, as well as the few others I try to read. 🙂 Thanks for commenting, Levi!

  3. It was nice to see your name in my ‘In Box’ this morning, but I understand your reason for the hiatus…There have been other bloggers that I follow who are in the grief process, and I know it’s a time thing…not a definite time frame, only one that is individual for each person. So never feel bad if you need to write your feelings if you’re led to. I think that sometimes sharing not only helps the one grieving but perhaps others reading when it may enter their lives as well. You do have a lot going on in your life right now, so understandably writing will be limited… Take care Paige.. Diane

    1. Diane,
      I think I have come around to the place of feeling like it’s okay to blog about my grief. I didn’t want to initially. That’s not the sort of topics I originally planned on addressing when I set up this blog. But that was when I was certain God wanted me to publish books. Now, I’m not so convinced that is His plan for my life. I do know that He wants me to write … so now I’m going to focus on being faithful to write for Him and not for some goal that might never have been His plan for my life anyway. Besides, who is to say God doesn’t want me writing about my grief to help others who are in the same situation? Thank you for reading and always encouraging me, Diane. It was wonderful to come back and find that those I was missing have missed me too. ~Paige

  4. I have missed your writing and have prayed for you, knowing Jesus was comforting you. I look forward to the insight God reveals to you as He sets your schedule for writing.

    1. Stacie,
      Thank you for the prayers. I got your card in the mail and have been meaning to send you an email to let you know how much it meant to me. I am sometimes (quite often) a terrible friend. Hope you can forgive my neglectfulness to keep in touch. ~Paige

  5. Wow – what a busy birthday season for you all! It sounds like things are exciting over your way, with all that birthday cake and ice cream being passed around (how awesome for the kids)! What a blessing it is for your foster children to have you celebrate their birthdays in style… I know you’re giving them birthday memories that they’ll never forget (even if they don’t seem to get it at the time… ha!)

    I can’t imagine losing a parent, and we’ll surely be praying for you. Our hearts were designed for connection and relationship, and when a relationship with a loved one is severed it hurts deeply… no wonder Jesus cried out in agony from the cross as the Father turned away from Him for the first time in all of eternity…

    Hang in there, and we’ll look forward to reading your posts whenever you find that bit of “extra time” (which sort of ceases to exist for foster parents)! :O)

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